It's not the end. I really hope that it's not the end. I like him. I really do. There were difficulties and it was complicated I know. But all in all. I like him. I really do.
My life is so weird. And every love that I have is complicated. I'm so sick and tired of it. But if it wouldn't be complicated, then it wouldn't be me.
In Dublin I bought a chain with the word "Believe" on it. I really do. I believe. In everything. And so I believe in love. One day I will be happy I know it. I will be happy with whoever I'm in love then.
Someday I will remember all this shit I'm gone through. And I will laugh. So loud. And probably together with her ♥
I don't know why people don't get it. But they really don't seem to understand. Except my beautiful Cathy, I know she does. Vaulting means the world to me. Nothing can compare to it. I mean there are 2 things which matter the most. Cathy and vaulting. Nothing more, nothing less. I cannot vault anymore, that's true. But just being there means the world to me. To support the people I love the most. And I will go with them. No matter what. No matter who is against it. People understand everything. But they donÄt understand real love. If you experienced what I have then you will mybe understand. But you didn't. And I hope you never will.
It's now tomorrow. The tomorrow I've waited for. I'm sitting here with my wet heair because I've just washed it and my packed suitcase is next to me because I will go to Dublin tomorrow. I don't know if I look forward to it, but I know, just like every voyage I've made so far, this trip will help me to clear up my mind. I have alot of things to think about, so much...
I will have a boyfriend soon. Yeah that is so crazy. In a good way? Probably. It's supposed to be in a good way, and yes I know that it will be a good thing. He likes me and I really like him. Not like the Prince or the one after him, but it's complicated because I'm not used to so much attention. But I'm sure about one thing : The friendships that take work can be the ones that are the most rewarding. Romantic realtionships also take work. That I'm sure of. And they, too, change and grow.
A part of my life is dying right now. I can't believe it. It feels so numb. I haven't realized it yet. But it scares me anyway. What will I do without you ? Can I even do anything without you? I don't know and when I'm honest then I don't wanna find out.
I hope so much that everything will be fine. I want my life to be good and not complicated. I don't wanna have arguments. I wanna feel love and loved by the people I love. That's the only way I wanna spend my life.
When I write songs, I try to tell a whole story. But sometimes the wohle story isn't ready to be told. The bridge of a song is the transitional part, the part that musically connects 2 parts of the song. It's sometimes called a climb. After the bridge a song my come back to the chorus but it's bigger it's grander and it feels different because of what happenend in the bridge, you feel things changing and you know the final is near. That's where I am these days. I'm in a different key. I'm still climbibg still figuring it out. I know what the chorus sounds like. I know it's coming. I expect it. I'm just not quite there yet.
Some months ago, I bought 2 new CD'S. One's from Miley "Can't be tamed" and the second from Christina "Bionic". I like Miley's album, don't get me wrong but Christinas...wow...her album is amazing. I'm totally into it.
You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
I need to find you
I gotta find you
You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find you
I gotta find you
Love hurts. I think it's a fact that's so true. We break up, we leave or we never see each other again. I now I'm emotional, but so far I wrote some new songs for my new block. It's hard to write them but it's even harder not to write them. I miss someone even though I don't know him, I saw him one time and I do. My friend misses someone as well, she knows him for almost 2 years.We all miss, we all love.Is it wrong or is it just the way of being human ? I don't know but what I feel for you isn't normal anymore. I miss you. Yes I do. And I'm brave enough to say it out loud. But maybe just because you can't hear and can't answer. I'm tired and I should go now...
Afterword : Before I sleep
I miss you, that goes out to you. To the one who I'll never see again, I. MISS. YOU.
I'm lost here in this moment
It's crazy. No actually it's not, because i could have expected this, if I would be clever I would have known it in the past. I search for him. Everywhere I am. I search for his face. Maybe somewhere in the crowd I would see his face and then...and then ? Would it change anything ?
I'm not fallen in love. It's just that...I want every problem to be solved. I want every argue to be argued. And every unfulfilled love to be finished. But now that I will never see him again, I'm not able to and this is making me completely friggin' going crazy !
I mean, I don't know him. I can barely remember his eyes and it's almost impossible to remember myself how he looked like. I don't know him. This is for sure. But still, why ? Why happened it ? Why ..why...why...
And if I think about it, I know it. But I don't wanna know the answer. I don't wanna know THIS answer. It's something which is making me crazy. The answer is alcohol. And this answer leaves me completely unsatisfied.
But still. I have to forget. I'm better of without him. Waaaaay better of without him. And yes I'm content with this. More than you probably think. And life is going on, it'll never stop...
The last time I talked to alot of people who ask me if I believe in God. I always said, no I don't, because I'm not a christian, neither catholic nor evangelian. I never went to church to hear the preacher, so I thought it was the only answer. But the more I thought about it, the more sth became clear for me.
I do believe.
I don't believe in God,no. I don't believe that one person could create our world in 7 days, and I believe in science,so...
I don't believe that one person could decide about our destiny. But still, I believe. I believe in love. I believe in myself. I believe that there's sth high above us which has more power, than we have, Destiny. When I tried to take my own life it wasn't like the voice of God talked to me not to do it. I lay there and prayed but there was no one who answered. But the longer I lay there, the more doubts I got. There was a innervoice of mine which told me not to give up. It wasn't like God gave me that voice. It was me, myself who knew the answer.
But still...I don't believe there's NO God. So many people get hope with praying and going to church and see things clear with doing this. This is their motivation. And that's good. When you can, well then believe in God.But also believe in yourself. Believe in love. Believe in people. Belief is so infinite important. Belief moves peopleto do the right things.
Just remember it doesn't matter where you believe in. Imporatnt is to find your own gift of hope, to find your own way to happiness. ♥
Hey Guys I have sth i gotta tell you ! I will get an exchange student from the USA. Oh Im so happy about it (: I think in august/september she will arrive and stay for 3-4 months! It's becuase Nathie will go to Argentinia and she is with an orgenisation which will send another student in the same year [stupid!] here and my family will atke her then. Over me she will get to know people and so on. (; I look so forward to it! Even though it's a long time 'til then. But I can really imagine having a sister I will go to Berlin with her, shopping, taking her to partys, watching TV with her, well at least I hope so. I only know a few things about her : She's born in may like me and will turn 16 this year ! And she's from USA. I know it's not alot. But even Cathy looks forward to it ! We will make her to our best friend :D
Well and I also didn't tell you about this easter fire in Niederlehme. Well somehow it changed sth inside of me. I don't want to tell you about everything what happened there, because it's...uh...a little bit WEIRD. :D But it was about a boy..and this kiss :D But I'll never see him again, even though I know where he's living. No, it was a one-time meeting. And this is ok, it's the best what we should do. But For just one moment it was like he took my sould and I took his. That's why it was so important for me.
By the way, Cathy has got my block were I write all my songs in. She just look at all the songs and think about them [well i hope so^^] and then she will make a new one for me, for my b-day. I look forward to it. A new start, songs about new topics. New boys...maybe?^^
My life is difficult at the moment. I'm everytime in a fight : With my parents, with my head, with my discipline, with myself. But i will handle it. Everything's going to be okay.
When I look into your eyes
And look into your soul
If your not holding me,
I can't breath, Id rather die
In your arms is where I belong
Please don't let me go
Thank God, Im finally home.